Redefining Success During the Holiday Season: Setting Boundaries with Family Expectations
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The holiday season is often a time for you to connect with family and celebrate those familial connections with joy. However, for many of us, the holiday season can be a really stressful period, especially when it comes to the topic of family and setting healthy boundaries. In some households, setting boundaries may be really difficult. This season can challenge even the most centered among us as we navigate various struggles from your relatives’ expectations about how you “should” spend the holidays, subtle (or not so subtle) pressure to achieve certain milestones, or simply just old tensions resurfacing. This year, let’s redefine what success looks like during the holidays. It should not be based on meeting others' expectations but on staying true to ourselves.
Dealing with Family Expectations
Family gatherings can come with a long list of unspoken rules and expectations, depending on the kind of family you come from. There are several factors to consider when it comes to how you celebrate, what you bring to the table (literally and figuratively), or the decisions you make with your career, relationships, or personal life. These external expectations can often at times weigh really heavily on your mind and affect your mental and physical health. Often, these expectations are rooted in culture or personal experiences, and they usually don’t always align with who you are today. It is important to consider how you navigate these expectations during the holiday season, and preparation goes a long way when it comes to these expected (and unexpected) moments.
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The Pressure to Perform
Most people dread the interrogation portion of the holiday season as some family members are forward and ask uncomfortable questions, such as, “Are you still single?", “When are you getting married?” and “When will you have kids?”. As much as these questions are often framed as concern or curiosity, they often, at times, can feel really invasive. The pressure to meet these external expectations—whether implicit or explicit—can take away from the joy of the holiday season.
The reality is, you unfortunately can’t change people or control their opinions of you and your life. Trying to live up to someone else’s standards of success is not only tiring but can also keep you from fully pursuing what truly fulfills you. The key to expertly navigating these external expectations is reframing the meaning of success using your own values and goals rather than the opinions of others.
Here are a few tips to help you navigate family dynamics while staying centered:
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1. Do Set Boundaries Early
Boundaries, which should be communicated verbally, are really essential when it comes to maintaining your mental health during the holidays. It’s vital to communicate clearly and you have to be confident when it comes to stating what you’re comfortable with. For example, if you know certain topics that are often addressed are triggering to you, it’s okay to set boundaries ahead of time and communicate that you do not want to speak about those subjects when you arrive.
A practical way of doing this is by saying something like, “I’m looking forward to seeing everyone this year, but I’d prefer not to discuss my job situation over dinner. Let’s focus on catching up and enjoying each other’s company.”
Setting boundaries matters, and it doesn’t mean you’re avoiding responsibility by setting a boundary. It simply means you’re protecting your emotional energy and taking care of yourself without relying on others to assume what could or could not hurt your feelings. When you set clear boundaries early, you prevent unnecessary stress from overshadowing the joy of being with family.
2. Don’t Engage in Unproductive Debates
The reality of life is that some family members, unfortunately, may not respect your boundaries no matter how early you set them, and that’s also okay. You really can’t change how people act, but you can control how you react to them disrespecting your boundaries. It may be tempting to fight back when someone challenges your boundaries or questions your decisions, but not all battles are worth fighting in the long run. If a relative brings up a sensitive topic after you’ve expressed your discomfort, remember that you can avoid the topic and you don’t owe anyone an explanation or a debate.
A great way to do this is by saying something like, “I’d rather not talk about that right now. How has work been for you lately?”
This diffuses a lot of tension, as family gatherings can quickly become tense if everyone feels the need to be “right.” Letting go of the need to win every argument or justify your choices frees up space for genuine connection rather than constant conflict.
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3. Do Focus on What You Can Control
As you already know, you can’t control others’ behaviors, however, you can control your own actions and reactions. If certain family members constantly bring up subjects that trigger you, choose ahead of time how you will respond to them to diffuse the situation. Having a set plan in mind for handling these situations can drastically reduce your stress levels and give you a whole lot more confidence when it comes to navigating difficult conversations.
This small trick helps you shift your energy away from trying to manage other people’s expectations and toward ensuring your own mental well-being.
4. Don’t Internalize Criticism
A lot of family members enjoy making assumptions and criticizing your decisions, from the job you choose, the relationships you get into, or the life choices you make for yourself. These opinions don’t define you, and everyone is entitled to their perspective, but that doesn’t mean you have to internalize it.
Whenever you start judging yourself based on someone else’s comments, ask yourself, “Is this about me, or is this a reflection of their own fears and expectations?” Usually, criticism says a lot more about the person giving it than it does about you.
The minute you learn to separate yourself from others’ criticisms is the minute you begin to view their comments more objectively, reducing the emotional impact of their criticism on your well-being.
When it’s all said and done, the best gift you can give yourself is the permission to be exactly who you are with no explanations necessary. Being unapologetically you is a superpower, and you should never forget that.
Written by Tanisha Christie, LCSW (she/her)
Tanisha Christie, LCSW (she/her) is the Founder and Practice Director who champions the liberation of individuals through the acknowledgement and affirmation of their stories. With a collaborative, holistic, and directive approach, Tanisha guides clients toward healing. Her extensive experience includes roles at Mount Sinai Hospital, the Ackerman Institute for the family and private practices, offering specialized expertise in polyamorous and couple relationships, executive coaching, and clinical supervision.