How to have Life-Affirming Conversations

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I saw an IG live post from Adrienne Marie Brown talking about  “soft spaces” which is more fitting sometimes than the traditional concept of “safe spaces.” Brown emphasizes that a soft space is one where we can be vulnerable and share our true selves without fear of judgment. In our conversations about mental health, creating these soft spaces means fostering a space where people feel they can open up without hesitation. It’s about being genuinely present, listening with empathy, and ensuring that the person feels accepted for who they are.

It made me think about what it means to be life-affirming in the face of others’ emotional conversations. Especially as a therapist where we talk about the “hard” questions often, but it might be that affirming conversation and “soft” questions can also go deep into places that need massaging. In these kinds of ‘massaging the pain’ dialogues with others, listening becomes more than hearing words; it’s about engaging deeply with the other person’s experience. When someone opens up about their mental health struggles, deep pain, loss, and grief they’re often looking for validation more than solutions. Because I’m a therapist, I often check in asking my loved ones, ‘What do they need for me, right now?’ Most times, people want to be heard and to commiserate. 

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Listen, and focus on understanding their feelings and perspectives. Reflect on what you hear, and resist the urge to immediately offer advice. For instance, instead of jumping in with “Here’s what you should do,” try saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. Can you tell me more about what that’s like for you?”

When someone you know is going through it. Check in! It’s more than a courtesy. Especially when people are having a tough time.. It’s not just a polite gesture; it’s a way to show ongoing support and solidarity. Send a text or give them a call to see how they’re doing. Let them know that you’re there for them, not just when they’re ready to talk but also in their everyday lives. This consistent presence can make a significant difference in how supported they feel.

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When I talk with someone about their mental health, I find that open-ended questions can help them express themselves more freely. Instead of asking, “Are you okay?” which can often lead to a quick “yes” or “no,” I ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” This kind of question invites them to share more deeply and gives them the space to explore their feelings.

Understanding and respecting boundaries is crucial. Not everyone is ready to talk about their stuff and mental health all the time. If someone indicates they need space or isn’t ready to discuss their feelings, honor that. It’s about letting them know you’re there when they’re ready, without pressuring them. Respect for boundaries shows that you’re considerate of their needs and timings.

While offering support is invaluable, it’s also important to recognize when someone might benefit from professional help. Suggesting that they speak with a therapist or counselor can be a positive step. Frame this recommendation with sensitivity: “I’ve noticed you’ve been going through a lot lately. Have you considered talking to a professional who might be able to offer some extra support?”

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Offer to spend time together, or simply send a thoughtful message. Especially after COVID people still struggle to do the things they used to do easily. Any ongoing support can be a comforting reminder that they’re not alone. This is the easiest way to foster a culture of openness with those around you too. 

Let’s not lose the plot on what it takes to be soft, be life-affirming and be fully empathetic and engaged with each other. Let's normalize soft talk with each other. Let’s normalize that talking about emotional suffering deepens our understanding and strengthens our connections, making our shared human experience richer and more compassionate.

If you or someone you know is in serious distress, support getting them to the nearest emergency room or dial or text 988 the CrisisLifeline.

Written by Tanisha Christie, LCSW (she/her)

Tanisha Christie, LCSW (she/her) is the Founder and Practice Director who champions the liberation of individuals through the acknowledgement and affirmation of their stories. With a collaborative, holistic, and directive approach, Tanisha guides clients toward healing. Her extensive experience includes roles at Mount Sinai Hospital, the Ackerman Institute for the family and private practices, offering specialized expertise in polyamorous and couple relationships, executive coaching, and clinical supervision.