Are you using your child to get back at your ex? The Impact of Parental Alienation

Photo by Alexander Grey

Constance and Damian have recently gone through a bitter divorce. Constance feels deeply hurt by Damian's actions during their marriage, and though he wants to stay involved in their children's lives, Damian does not want to be married anymore. This is a blow to Constance, she thought things were going ok despite the challenges of raising two and the economic stress they’ve been under. Constance can't seem to move past her anger. She starts making it difficult for Damian to see the kids—canceling visits at the last minute, ignoring his calls, and speaking negatively about him in front of their children. As weeks turn into months, Damien notices that his son, Jake is becoming more distant, even protective of Constance. His younger daughter, Grace, seems confused. Constance’s unresolved anger is inadvertently causing emotional harm to their kids.

Stories like this are common. According to a study published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, approximately 13% of parents report experiencing moderate to severe parental alienation from their ex-partner, significantly impacting their relationship with their children.

Photo by Afif Ramdhasuma

Parental alienation is where one parent deliberately keeps a child away from the other parent out of spite. While we might often hear the story of “deadbeat or absent moms,” this is an ongoing issue that has significant implications for the mental health of both children and parents. Parental alienation also occurs when one parent manipulates a child to reject the other parent, often through negative comments, restricting communication, or outright denying visitation. While both mothers and fathers can engage in this behavior, given the statistics that according to recent Census data, around 80% of single parents in the U.S. are mothers, while only 20% are fathers. This means a significant number of children live primarily with their mothers, potentially creating scenarios where mothers are keeping fathers from their children. 

But parental alienation does not just occur with heteronormative couples, in an Ontario case Sarah and Emma, a queer couple, separated after ten years together. They share custody of their son, Max. Emma, feeling betrayed and angry after the split, began to limit Sarah's contact with Max. The court documents revealed that Emma told Max that Sarah never cared about them. The trial judge recognized the harmful impact of the alienating parent's actions and made significant custody adjustments to protect the child's well-being, including mandated separate visitation so that Sarah and Max could repair their relationship.

Photo by Keir Burton

These acts are extremely harmful to the child/ren who get caught in the middle of parental alienation conflicts. They often experience confusion, anxiety, and depression. The manipulation they undergo can lead to long-term emotional scars and hinder their ability to form healthy relationships in the future. Children can go on to experience identity crises, self-esteem issues, and behavioral problems which can include aggressive behavior, academic difficulties, or becoming socially withdrawn. For parents, there is an emotional toll, not to mention strained relationships and possible financial strain. 

There are circumstances where keeping a parent away from a child is necessary to protect the child's well-being like abuse, neglect, substance use, and domestic violence. In these instances, the parent mitigates harm and prioritizes the child’s well-being. Without these extreme reasons for removing a parent from a child’s life, It is fair to say that when parents end their relationship, no matter the difficulty, it is important to do less harm and find ways to sort through the muck and get to a co-parenting schedule. 

Supporting children through the process must become the focus. Provide emotional support, create positive experiences that ensure the child/ren spends quality time with both parents, fostering positive memories and strong bonds, and promote stability and a routine. Consistency helps children feel secure. And if you need help through this a skilled couples therapist, parenting coach, or a mediator can help you through these concerns.

See these quick tips:

What Parents Can Do to Mitigate Harm

1. Prioritize the Child’s Well-being: Both parents should keep the child's best interests at heart. Maintaining a loving and supportive environment, free from negative talk about the other parent, is crucial.

2. Communicate Respectfully: Open, respectful communication between parents can help reduce conflict and prevent misunderstandings. Avoid discussing grievances in front of the child.

3. Seek Mediation or Counseling: Professional mediation or family counseling can provide a neutral space to resolve conflicts and develop a co-parenting plan that benefits the child.

4. Educate Yourself: Understanding the signs and consequences of parental alienation can help parents recognize and address these behaviors before they cause significant harm.

5. Legal Action as a Last Resort: If all else fails, legal intervention may be necessary to ensure fair access and protect the child’s rights to maintain relationships with both parents.

Written by Tanisha Christie, LCSW (she/her)

Tanisha Christie, LCSW (she/her) is the Founder and Practice Director who champions the liberation of individuals through the acknowledgement and affirmation of their stories. With a collaborative, holistic, and directive approach, Tanisha guides clients toward healing. Her extensive experience includes roles at Mount Sinai Hospital, the Ackerman Institute for the family and private practices, offering specialized expertise in polyamorous and couple relationships, executive coaching, and clinical supervision.