A Quick Guide to Consensual Non-Monogamy’s Many Different Relationship Structures
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Marriage, and monogamous relationships, may have been the American societal norm for decades, but that tide seems to be shifting. In a national survey conducted by data analytics firm YouGov in 2020, only 56 percent of people cited complete monogamy as their ideal relationship style. An estimated 23 percent of respondents said their relationships were already non-monogamous, echoing 2017 research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, which found that more than one in five single Americans in their study had tried consensual non-monogamy. As Esther Perel points out in her book, The State of Affairs, “monogamy used to mean one person for life. Now, monogamy means one person at a time.”
While terms like consensual non-monogamy and polyamory are in the mainstream vocabulary, these terms are often used interchangeably, and can cause confusion.Let’s explore and clarify the nuances between the many relationship structures that fall within the category of non-monogamy.
Consensual Non-Monogamy (“CNM”) can be thought of as the umbrella term for multiple types of relationship orientations. Consensual, the first piece of this term, is critical, and requires that all individuals or parties engaged are aware of, and have provided their consent or agreement to the situation. The awareness and consent piece of CNM is extremely important and is what distinguishes this from cheating on a partner in a monogamous relationship. Non-monogomy, the second piece of this term, allows for people within the agreement of their relationship(s) to form romantic, sexual, and/or emotional connections with other people. This is where open communication becomes essential. Within Consensual Non-Monogamy, there are many different types of relationship structures. Here’s a few:
Polyamory
“Poly” translates to many, and “amory” translates to love. Therefore, the practice of polyamory is one form of non-monogamy where people involved acknowledge the capacity for, and may engage with, and/or have multiple loving relationships at one time.
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Hierarchical
Hierarchical polyamory involves a hierarchy system that often includes primary, or “nesting” and secondary partners. Primary partners take priority over other partners or relationships. This might look like two people who are married, living together, share finances, or have families together. Primary partners are allowed to form additional secondary relationships with other individuals, but it is agreed upon between the primary partners and that these relationships do not have the same level of priority that the primary relationship does. What that looks like can differ from relationship to relationship. Again, this is where openness and communication become extremely necessary.
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Non-hierarchical
In non-hierarchical polyamory, partnerships are not ranked or given priority over other relationships. Every relationship and/or partner, while unique, is viewed as equal, even if the relationships function differently.
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Solo Polyamory
In solo polyamory, the person chooses not to take some of the more “traditional” monogamous relationship steps, such as living with another person, sharing finances, or having children. They reserve the right to make individual choices without those decisions being dictated by another person. Someone practicing solo polyamory might be the third person to a couple practicing hierarchical or non-hierarchical poly, polyfidelity, monogamish, or swinging. Let’s dig in to these relationship statuses:
Polyfidelity
This is non-hierarchical polyamory where there is no ranking of individuals, however, the partners are exclusive to each other and are not seeking new or additional relationships. For example, these relationships may include triads or quads, where three or four people are sexually or romantically involved with only each other. They do not seek additional individuals outside of the triad or quad. You can think of polyfidelity as the members of the group functioning like a closed monogamous couple, just with a different number.
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Monogamish
This term that acknowledges monogamous partners who do not follow the strict rules of monogamy, or at least, don’t follow all of these rules or at all times. A monogamish couple is very often monogamous (as far as anyone else knows), but they might make occasional exceptions, such as having a third person enter the bedroom for a threesome, allowing one partner to see a dominatrix, or allowing the partners to kiss others while on business trips.
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Swinging
Swinging typically refers to two people who are in a monogamous relationship who have recreational sex with others but don’t necessarily pursue romantic relationships with them. Now you might be wondering, what is the difference between those who identify as swingers and those who identify as poly? Typically, swingers lack a love connection with the other people they are engaging sexually with. The action has a bit more focus on the sexual connection and less on the romantic or emotional connection.
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If you are currently in a CNM relationship, find yourself curious about them, or are starting to explore by yourself or with a partner, communication and curiosity are key. It’s important to remember that CNM can look different from person to person, and relationship to relationship. I’d like to encourage you to have have conversations about what it looks like for you, and, we at Liberation Based Therapy are always here to help you navigate those conversations.
Written by Nicole Rothschild, MFT (she/her)
Nicole Rothschild, MFT (she/her), is a compassionate Marriage and Family Therapist in NYC. She offers a compassionate and collaborative approach, drawing on modalities that bring clients into their bodies to experience more emotional freedom and expression. With expertise in relational dynamics and emotional expression, she supports individuals, couples, and families, including LGBTQ+, poly, and interracial couples, in navigating anxiety, trauma, substance use, and life transitions.