A Letter to Parents and Caregivers on Supporting Your LGBTQIA+ Child/ren: A Journey of Understanding and Love

Photo by Gabby K

Dear Parents and Caregivers, if you find yourself reading this, it's likely because you're seeking support on a journey that may feel unfamiliar or daunting. From the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you for reading this. You are bravely showing courage and stepping in the right direction to get information for yourself that will be long-lasting in supporting the child/ren in our life. 

You are taking a crucial step towards fostering a nurturing environment where the child/ren can thrive authentically. What you are embarking on is not only confidence-boosting but life-saving. While society might have you focus on negative stereotypes and overload you with statistics, over the course of a few blog posts, I’d like to focus on some core elements for parents and caregivers so that you can focus on building support, and understanding along with your unconditional love. We need more healthy, honest and happy relationships within family units. 

First and foremost, you must work to let go of harmful stereotypes.  It's essential to understand that being queer or  LGBTQIA+ is not solely about who one has sex with or how one engages in sexual activities. (Click on the link to understand what these letters mean!) It’s 1000% important to consider a child’s age when thinking about how to support your child/ren. We need to learn beyond stereotypes. Let’s look at younger children first.

Photo by Alexander Grey

Children between the ages of three to five may express a different gender or identity in various ways, often through their behaviors, preferences, and self-expression. While their understanding of gender may still be developing, their expressions can provide valuable insights into their inner world. 

Here are some common ways children in this age group might express a different gender or identity:

Preferred Clothing: Children may exhibit a preference for clothing typically associated with a different gender. For example, a child assigned male at birth may gravitate towards dresses or skirts, while a child assigned female at birth may prefer pants or masculine-styled clothing. This does not necessarily mean that your child is queer as it is natural for small children to “perform” the adults around them. DO NOT ASSUME. Let your child be and support their preferences. This goes the same for toy preferences and play/role-playing. Children often explore different gender roles and identities through play. They may enact scenarios where they pretend to be a different gender or take on roles that do not align with their assigned gender. This is “imaginative play”.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

On the other hand, verbal expression and self-identification is when children may verbally express their gender identity, stating preferences for being referred to with pronouns or names typically associated with a different gender. They may assert their identity by stating, "I am a boy/girl" or expressing discomfort with their assigned gender. 

Now here is where discomfort might begin for some parents and caregivers especially for a child that’s “so young”; but for each age group there are aspects to consider:

**Ages 5 to 10 is about Early Exploration and Expression**

During the ages of 5 to 10, children begin to develop a clearer understanding of their own gender and may start to express their gender identity more explicitly. Gender expression in this age group can manifest through choices in clothing, hairstyles, and preferred activities that align with their internal sense of self. Some children may consistently identify with a gender different from their assigned gender at birth and express this through play and social interactions. While sexuality is not typically a prominent focus at this stage, children might show early signs of affection or preference for certain peers, which can be an early, innocent exploration of their future sexual orientation. Parents and caregivers should provide a supportive environment where children feel safe to express themselves and explore their identities without judgment.

**Ages 11 to 14: Adolescence and Emerging Identity**

As children enter adolescence (ages 11 to 14), they undergo significant physical, emotional, and cognitive changes. This period often brings a deeper exploration and assertion of gender identity and expression. Adolescents may experiment with different styles of dress, pronouns, and names to better align with their gender identity. They might also seek out peers and role models who reflect their experiences. Regarding sexuality, this age group typically begins to experience stronger sexual feelings and may start to identify their sexual orientation. Adolescents may develop crushes and experience romantic or sexual attractions, and it's crucial for caregivers to have open, honest conversations about safe sex practices, consent, and respect in relationships. Supportive and affirming guidance helps adolescents navigate this complex developmental stage with confidence and self-awareness.

Photo by Alexander Grey

Parents and caregivers have to be extremely mindful of mental health, bullying and other negative effects of socialization for these two age groups. Youth suicide has been increasingly the leading cause of death for children in these two ages groups in the United States. 

Letting your child know that they are loved and supported unconditionally is crucial. 

Parents and caregivers, you have such a difficult job and asking you to manage your expectations based on oppressive culture and social sentiments, is something I’m not offering lightly. Your job is the toughest in the world. This is scary and unknown.  Even if you don’t agree or understand, there are resources here for you -  your LOVE is everything. 

I’ll continue with other ages and more thoughts to share in a following post. Thank you for taking the time. 

I’m here in solidarity, 

Z

Written by Z Cordero, LMSW (they/them)

Z Cordero, LMSW (they/them), is an inclusive therapist who creates a safe and supportive environment for clients to explore their emotions and experiences. They believe in the healing power of laughter and the importance of celebrating each feeling that arises during the therapeutic journey. Z is dedicated to helping individuals and families navigate life’s challenges and foster personal growth, with a particular focus on supporting the LGBTQ+ community, people of the Global Majority (PGM), transgender and gender non-confirming individuals (TGNC), and families of LGBTQ+ children.