A theme that has been noticeably popping up with my clients, my friends, and myself lately is just how damn hard we are on ourselves. Listening closely to folks, it seems like almost every day I sit through a master class in how to emotionally beat oneself up.  Maybe it’s the constant reminders from social media of the million and a half things we can be doing to improve ourselves or optimize our time, money, children, appearance, but for me it has started to feel like just simply existing is not good enough.

In the past month, I have heard a strong, intelligent woman disappointed in herself for pain experienced in childbirth, “I should have been better prepared for the contractions.”  I have heard a woman angry with herself because her baby isn’t sleeping through the night, “I should have sleep trained earlier, or the baby should be sleeping 6 hour stretches by now.”  I have heard smart women beat themselves up about taking medication to feel better, “I shouldn’t need a pill to feel ok.” Or blaming themselves for their partner mistreating them, “I shouldn’t be in this situation, it’s my fault.” 

For myself, I should wake up early and exercise every day, I should find vegetables other than frozen peas to feed my kids, I shouldn’t give so much of my precious time to Instagram, I should schedule a date with my husband, I should start some kind of a business, I should be a better friend, I should ______ and on and on and on.  

The common denominator: SHOULD. 

Should is a set-up for self-blame and a barrier to being gentle and kind with ourselves.  Instead of framing our daily activities and troubles with shoulds and should nots, experiment to see what happens if you make a subtle mental shift to “something I am doing” and “something I am not doing” or “something I haven’t done yet.”  

Either I set my alarm early for a 5 AM workout, or I didn’t.  No judgment, no blame.  Some days it’s something I do, and most days I don’t.  The difference is that if I attach should to it, it takes away from my sense of agency in making a firm decision.  Should’s distort my thoughts and provide ammunition that I’m the problem, or I’m defective if it didn’t happen, rather than a choice I made or a reality I was faced with.

You experienced pain in childbirth, or you did not (you probably did) - no judgment, no blame.  Your baby slept through the night, or they cried sometimes.  That’s the simple reality of it.  No judgment on you, or your baby. Sleep either happened, or it didn’t that time.  Yes, it is so frustrating to wake to a crying baby at 3 AM and yes, it is painful to experience a contraction, but you aren’t the problem. There is nothing inherently wrong with you, or your baby.   

Shedding our should’s offers space for us to see what truly is, or is not happening, in our life free of judgment or self-blame. Let's move from “I should be gentle with myself in this dumpster fire of a pandemic” to “I choose to be gentle with myself during this dumpster fire of a pandemic.”

By: Emily Haberman (s/her), LCSW