The idea of achieving perfection is intoxicating.  We may find ourselves holding core beliefs such as if anyone sees me fail, they will never trust me again or my worthiness depends on how much I serve others.  Or perhaps I can’t let anyone see me struggle if I want to be loved or I must be the best at whatever I do.  There are many variables that impact our perspectives of ourselves and others.  A significant variable is our relationships with our primary caregivers during our childhood years.    

We all need safety, connection, meaning, autonomy, peace and more.  We do what we can to meet these needs.  Before we have the cognitive ability to understand situations in nuanced ways, we interpret information in ways that are developmentally appropriate for children.  Without interference, we may unconsciously carry the thoughts and behavior that we learned from childhood into adulthood in more sophisticated ways.  

Most of us experience early ruptures in attachments, which can also be thought of as disruptions in connection with our primary caregivers.  We may unconsciously develop meaning from the ruptures.  Ruptures in attachment can result from many events or situations.  A common one is when parents or caregivers get divorced or experience a high level of stress at work and as a result are less emotionally or physically present with their children.  Children can internalize a change in their parents’ behavior as their fault, so can begin to develop distorted thought patterns related to attachment.  We may inadvertently hold onto to early memories and moments of broken attachments to our parents or caregivers that show up for us as we grow older. 

Here is a specific example as it relates to my life:

When I was three years old, I was living my dream life.  My parents played with me, read to me, and delighted in my presence.  I felt special and important.  Four months later, my world drastically changed.  My twin brothers were born.  Suddenly attention shifted from me to the cute babies who needed more attention than me. 

When each of my parents were holding one infant, I remember pulling on my dad’s leg and asking him “but who is going to carry me?!” 

I recall moments of trying to get my parents attention by crying or yelling. They sometimes paid attention to me, often did not, and sometimes scolded me for trying.

My parents could not possibly give me as much attention as I craved while they were raising three small children. As a little one, I could not critically think about their perspective, so unfortunately, internalized a belief that I am annoying and that people can’t love or care about more than one person without taking away love from another. These thoughts do bring about strong emotions, including shame.  The next several years, I tried desperately to regain the attention I once had.  My parents report they felt often exasperated in response to my age-appropriate attention-seeking efforts.  In response, my parents sometimes lost their temper and sometimes gave me the attention I sought after.  

As an adult in my primary partnerships, I notice when I feel very excited to tell my partner something about myself, I feel anxiety wash over me after I speak.  I wonder if they will respond with interest or with annoyance despite having no evidence that they are likely to respond with annoyance.  I have personalized my partner’s tiredness or conversation with another person as evidence that they are not interested in me, as I seek evidence that confirms my belief that they believe I am annoying and may lash out.   While I understand my thoughts are not rational, it has taken work to pause and rewire my brain to think, feel and respond differently than I once learned to as a child.  Through my own therapy, I have developed the following strategies for more cognitive flexibility.  Following the following steps, I can notice my sensitivities and pause before reacting out of early attachment wounds.  

Here’s what has worked for me-

1. I try to notice thoughts that are arising. Example: Something is wrong with me because I feel like my partner doesn’t care about me when she hangs out with her friends without me if she doesn’t text me while she’s there. 

2. I note the feelings I am experiencing. Example: I am feeling anxious, embarrassed, irritated, hopeless, and left out

3. I ask myself: are these feelings familiar?  If so, when have I felt them before. Example: YES! I feel them all the time when partners have plans without me and I felt them when my parents didn’t pay attention to me because they were busy when I was a child

4. I ask myself: what fears of mine are being activated or triggered? Example: That my partner will forget about me, and I will be alone and unloved 

5. And then I finally ask: what multiple truths may be happening in this situation, considering myself and all those involved? (Cognitive Flexibility) Example: My partner has plans and I am not invited.  I am alone at home while she is with friends, and she knows that.  I am feeling anxious, left out, and angry.  And I saw my partner yesterday and will see her tomorrow.  My partner has hung out with her friends before and has returned to me and has never forgotten about me.  

   5a. How can I hold compassion for both myself and the other person? 

Me: I have a sensitivity around plans and exclusion.  I know I tend to feel left out and alone when my partner hangs out with her friends because that’s my emotional pattern.  I feel sad. 

AND AT THE SAME TIME (Magical Words!)

My partner: I know that my partner values time with her friends and doesn’t like to be on her phone when she’s with them.  I can understand her hesitance to text me because it’s harder for her to be present when she’s on her phone.

6. What to do from here? Self soothe!  Validate self: “, I know that the little you inside is feeling alone and the big you is here to come in and remind you that you are very loved.”  I might look at photos of people who love me, call a friend, paint a picture or journal. “ I don’t need to text my partner to get assurance right now.”

You got this!  And our triggers come in waves and they can get more gentle the more we practice. 

Written By Jennie Kogan, LMSW (she/they) who is an individual + couples therapist. She currently facilitates the TGNCNB Community Building and Shame Resilience workshop. Check out our IG and FB or sign up for future workshops here.